The Log of Legolas
by Princess Consuella Banana
Summary: Legolas' quite hilarious diary from FotR. NOT copied off Cassandra Claire. Warning: Extreme OOC-ness and implied slash.


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The Log of Legolas

by Princess Consuella Banana

Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to J.R.R. Tolkien, a fave author of mine, and to Cassieclaire, who might think I'm copying her ideas but I did write some of these before I read her stuff, which is much better!   
  
The Log of Legolas   
  
Day One:   
Am forced to live in Rivendell for a while, as Mirkwood home getting repainted. So tedious here - Elrond hates pop, always blasting classical music. Haven't these people ever heard of the New Age?   
  
Day Two:   
Gave hair platinum rinse. Offered to do same for Arwen, as she would look much hotter as a blond, but she was too busy pining, as always. How boring.   
  
Day Three:   
Aragorn showed up with a bunch of midgets in tow. Silly ranger, always picking up the wrong types. Asked him if I could hit on Arwen, as she is always pining and needs something to take her mind off of him, but he said if I did he would use his sword to make it impossible for us to procreate. Gulp.   
  
Day Four:   
Sucked up to Aragorn at boring Council Meeting. Oh my Eru, who IS that dwarf? Whoops, what, I'm going on a quest? Well, OK.   
  
Day Five:   
Gimli!!!!! Such a great name. As our relationship is forbidden we must keep it under wraps, though don't see why it's as bad as Frodo and Sam sleeping all cuddled up or Merry and Pippin always disappearing to secluded places.   
  
Day Six:   
Cold Calhadras air doing nothing for my skin. Showed Gimli how to french braid his beard. He refused my Mirkwood Blend Conditioner effused with 8 essential oils, though. This may not bode well for relationship.   
  
Day Seven:   
Gimli asked if I wanted to meet his family. Told him I wasn't quite ready for that level of commitment; now he's insisting he meant to take a shortcut. How clingy. Ach, I need some exfoliant!   
  
Day Eight:   
Gimli appealed to Frodo about the Moria detour. Am very upset, I thought we knew each other better than this. Will snub him.   
  
Day Nine:   
I love Gimli! Thank goodness we went to Moria! I really have no idea why he's so sad - if all my relatives died and some Orcs turned Mirkwood into a strip mall, I would be thrilled! Got to shoot a lot of Orcs, kill troll in most graceful manner. After we killed the proprietor of The Body Shop, I helped myself to some exfoliant, moisturizing lotion, face cream, and a great eyeshadow combination. Aragorn was most annoyed, but Gandalf was enthusiastic once I got him some wrinkle cream. Also replenished my hair products at Trade Secret. A really satisfying outing, although I was a bit perturbed when I spotted Sam and Frodo looking at engagement rings in Smythe's. Mumbled something about roses and cotton when I caught them. Frankly, I don't want to know.   
  
Day Ten:   
Troublesome, troublesome day. Flaming Balrog scorched my brand-new Dolce & Gabana boots. Shit. Also, killed Gandalf, and he was carrying my face cream. Hobbits inconsolable, Aragorn and Boromir distressed in manly way, and Gimli broke up with me. Said he needed "space". Rubbish if you ask me, but then again I've never been dumped before. Am thinking about going for Frodo just to get back at him.   
  
Day Eleven:   
Started making suggestive comments to Frodo when everyone else was asleep. He quite warmed up to me, and I thought I almost had it in the bag, when Sam awoke and went ballistic. Said he expected such a thing from Boromir but not from me. Explained that I only wanted to take the Ring, and he calmed down.   
  
Day Twelve:   
Ah, back in Lothlorien. Oh, the memories . . . lemonade in summertime, wild parties, passionate love . . . what a great place. Haldir made Gimli the Git wear an ugly bandana over his eyes. Stupid Aragorn said we all had to. Put up a fight, but only for Gimli's sake. I could find my way there in my sleep. Haldir winked and gave me Prada bandana for my eyes. Obviously not over me yet. Gimli not either, could feel him pinching my butt as we walked. Found nice Elven slut; took bubble bath together outside our tents. Showed up Gimli AND Haldir. Ah, it's good to be a sex god. Then again, Aragorn quite the charmer as well. Saw Galadriel wearing that sexy thong he got back in Moria.   
  
Day Thirteen:   
Had to leave Lothlorien before tonight's kegger. Haldir promised it would be quite a smash, but stupid Aragorn seems to think someone has died and made him King. Has decided on stupid boat trip. Gimli flipped boat over twice in obvious attempt to muss my hair. He totally wants me back.   
  
Day Fourteen:   
Decided to give Gimli another chance. Was quite missing him, though would not admit to such in court of law. BTW, Frodo and Sam ran off together, obvious conclusions, and such. Wonder if they were eloping. Boromir dead, Merry and Pippin captured by large unattractive types. Don't see that going anywhere. Plan to take Gimli back to Lothlorien for wild party was interrupted by Aragorn. Honestly, can't he go be lonely somewhere else? Just because he misses his girlfriend does not constitute need for male bonding. Also, he never lets me wash his hair. 


End file.
